Not Over But Alongside
How to Navigate Thorny Relationships
Every year the holiday season raises concerns about relationships. How do I get along with eccentric Uncle Mike? What if my kids put smudge marks on grandma’s white sofa? How do I repair the rift with my sister from last Christmas? Will this be the year I start talking to the estranged side of the family again? Are you starting the season with relational landmines to clear away?
While there are numerous practical steps to take to repair difficult relationships, there is a key attitude worth considering. At the beginning of this year I wrote a reflection called “Repairing Relationships” (link below) focused on a mindset of humility. This is a mindset that helps me navigate relational hardships and disrupters. I quoted C.S. Lewis’s outstanding chapter on “The Great Sin” of pride against which other vices like anger, greed, drunkenness, etc. are “mere fleabites in comparison.” Pride is a pivotal problem that leads to other issues. Why? Let’s read from Lewis himself:
“Pride is at its core competitive, and this is what multiplies problems among people. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise . . . Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.” So, to maintain our position of superiority, we take up other vices. That’s how pride becomes a hinge vice.”
In a similar way, humility is a hinge virtue that opens the door to other values. What is a humble person? Lewis adds that such a person “is not a greasy, swarmy person, who is always telling you . . . he is a nobody. Probably all you think will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him . . . he will not be thinking about himself at all.” A humble person is neither austere nor egotistical but cheerful, engaging, and sincere. Such a person has a life-giving quality.”
Lewis led me to make a New Year’s resolution for 2022 to take on a humility project. This is challenging because it is more than behavior management; it requires maintaining an attitude. I sought for reminders or prompts to keep myself in a humble mindset. I landed on a simple question to ask myself when I was with another person: “Am I saying—or doing— this to be over or alongside that person?” This filtering question helped me check the competitive impulse to elevate myself above another person. Practical steps like non-judgmental listening, prayerful reflection on the successes and mistakes of each day, acceptance of my own shortcomings, etc. were also useful, though imperfect, strategies. I discovered that humility is essential in both healthy and disrupted relationships because of its bonding, not repelling force, like pride.
I also discovered that I need a community of people to support me in the humility project. So, I’m curious if you resonate with it. I invite you to share ideas of how you maintain an attitude of humility and steps to keep it going. If you don’t want to write in the comments section below, please email me, and I will share the most helpful responses I received in another post.
To an alongside not over holiday season,
Sheri
https://www.amazon.com/author/lawauthpg
https://lifeafterwhy.com/blog/repairing-relationships
The excerpts are from Mere Christianity Book 3, Ch. 8.