Acceptance for the Real World

4 Ways to Practice Acceptance

High school classrooms provide epiphanies, like the time a student lingered in front of the wall clock staring at it. It took me a moment to realize she did not know how to read the clock. Or there’s the time I used the trusted idiom in class, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.” Imagine the puzzlement from not knowing what this means. I explained that this applies to an avoidable error of getting rid of something valuable or essential when trying to get rid of something unwanted or non-essential. The idiom touches on the nature of acceptance. I recently heard a snippet of conversation where someone said, “Acceptance doesn’t equal agreement.” It got me thinking about what acceptance is and how we often get it wrong, especially in divisive times like today.

First, it’s important to define what acceptance is by looking at what it’s not. Upon reflecting on this subject, I came up with two kinds of misconceptions. One is overburdening acceptance with unrealistic expectations and the other is undervaluing its power. Beliefs that overburden acceptance are:

·      Acceptance is indiscriminate: You must affirm everything about me; if you don’t, you’re rejecting me, and that’s hateful.

·      Acceptance is conditional and one-sided: It depends on factors like your acceptance of me, an alignment of our values, or certain prescribed actions. If another person does not meet these criteria I don’t necessarily need to accept that person.

Asking for wholesale acceptance is immature and unrealistic. Do you know of someone you agree with 100% of the time? Do you condone everything in your own life? Is it even healthy to condone everything someone else does? Demanding indiscriminate acceptance is not only unachievable but also self-centered. Additionally, acceptance is a two-way street. To call out someone I disagree with as hateful denies the validity of that person’s perspective. To be fair, I should allow the other person’s views to stand, even if I disagree with them or think they are morally wrong. Overburdening acceptance is a sure way not to get it.

Beliefs that undervalue acceptance are:

·      Acceptance is passive: If I accept things, I’m giving up and resigning.

·      Acceptance is unproductive: Calling out an opponent is holding him accountable; insulting personal remarks are justified.

Seeing acceptance as a passive exercise denies its power. Furthermore, I make myself less resilient because I’m unwilling to deal with discomfort, and I justify treating people in mean, hurtful ways. My relationships cross the line to incivility. So, what’s a better way?

1. Moderate defensiveness. Rejecting someone I disagree with is a defensive reaction driven by emotion. I justify my actions by saying the person I’m in conflict with needs accountability. If I’m honest with myself, however, I might just want to push away or even hurt that person to get rid of my discomfort. My emotional zeal drives me to throw out baby with bathwater. People in conflict often resort to ad hominem—attack the man—remarks. A sure way to know if someone has a weak argument is to watch for personal attacks. It’s a weak and unconvincing strategy.

I think there are two aspects to lowering defensiveness: one is to stop myself before reacting and the other is to put a space between my values and my identity. Each of us has non-negotiable principles that guide our decisions. When somebody shares an opinion that violates my core values, I naturally feel angry and distressed. I may even feel compelled to turn to people who share my anger to vent as a group.

The tricky thing is that values define who a person is. This is true for anyone who holds strongly to an ideal, whether consciously or unconsciously. The problem is not the values themselves but the rigidity with which I hold them. Do I bifurcate into categories of black and white, right and wrong, enemy and victor?  I need to create a space between my values and my identity and remind myself that personal value is not acquired—through beliefs or performance—but is innate—through our shared humanity. Affirming that we are both made in the image of God is key.

2. Accept reality. Much is written about mindfulness and the acceptance of reality. It takes a huge amount of strength to accept reality, especially when you don’t like it. Mindfulness is accepting the way a situation or person is at the present moment and focusing on what can realistically be changed. This leads to looking at the present more objectively, rather than purely emotionally. The Serenity Prayer of the 12-Step program applies here: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  A willingness to accept what cannot be changed correlates with psychological well-being.

As I explore in my book Life After Why, healing from life disrupters has to do with accepting what has taken place. I enumerate five stages in the process toward acceptance and a roadmap of how to maneuver loss. It’s an arduous process requiring honesty and courage, but it yields abundant fruit in many areas of life.

3. Understand that accepting reality is active, not passive. Acceptance lowers people’s defenses giving them the chance to become problem-solvers. Giving another person the space to be different from you might feel unproductive, but it is one of the most powerful ways to create a safe place for healing and creativity. I must resist my own feelings of inadequacy and refrain from projecting my own feelings into the other person for as long as it takes for that person to shift into problem-solving mode. I am like a clean mirror with backlights for extra clarity to the other person. This is empathy, which I will address in a separate post.

4. Accept people even if you don’t approve of their beliefs, decisions, or lifestyles. People sometimes tie approval to acceptance. They demand you approve, and if you don’t, they charge you with rejecting them, and thus they reject you. You’re right to resist such pressure, but you should avoid a common mistake. Don’t forget to verbally affirm your love. A failure to do so might make the other person feel disqualified from your love. Acceptance is not the same thing as agreement. It’s different and much more. Acceptance is holding onto the baby while getting rid of the bathwater. As you do this, you can—and should—accept the other person. You might need to go out of your way to affirm your love and acceptance despite the disagreement.

Wisdom and maturity are required to become a water-tosser instead of a baby-tosser.