Five Reasons It’s Hard for You to Receive
The Hidden Potential in Becoming a Good Receiver
A culture obsessed with work, control, and accomplishment undervalues the art of receiving. Receiving makes people feel awkward, passive, and lacking control. But undervaluing this art impoverishes us. It may be more blessed to give than to receive, but it’s still blessed to receive, and receiving is actually a way of giving. Let’s look more deeply at how and why we complicate the humble skill of receiving.
An article on why receiving appreciation is especially hard for men zeroes in on Bryce Mathern’s last football game of his high school career. “I ran out for a catch and caught the ball for a two-point conversion. In the locker room after the game, the back-up quarterback looked over and said ‘Hey, great catch.’ I immediately went into a bit of a panic. I said that I fell down after the catch and I should have run the route cleaner. I remember him looking at me for a moment and just saying, ‘Great catch.’ In that moment, I could not let in the appreciation and lauding. Especially in front of the rest of my football buddies” (Mathern, Bryce. “Why Receiving Appreciation Can Be So Hard For Men,” 30 June 2014, https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-why-do-men-have-such-a-hard-time-receiving-appreciation/). Receiving compliments is a microcosm of our discomfort with receiving in general.
It’s is also hard for women. You compliment a friend on a nice dress, and she tells you she bought it on sale, that it’s a tad too tight in the hips, or that it hides her belly bulge well. When my friend tells me my arms look toned, I draw attention to my crepe paper skin. Not wanting to appear like self-absorbed narcissists, we awkwardly deflect compliments: “Uh, thanks, but did you notice my hands shaking and my voice faltering when I got up to speak?” or “I don’t like the sound of my voice. Did it sound nasally?” I seldom see a woman accept a compliment with a simple “thank you” without a disclaimer. Why is this?
There are many reasons and ways people resist receiving from others. This ranges from compliments to help in crises. Cultural and personality differences play a role. The German culture in which I was raised is stingy with compliments, but they are generous in lending help to friends in need. There are people who help everyone but don’t receive help. There are people who seal themselves off from others in a crisis. Their privacy is paramount, so they confide in only a small inner circle. Their friends feel left out and frustrated that they can’t help.
Discomfort with receiving stems from submerged attitudes and beliefs like:
1. You don’t want to impose
The belief that people will like you more if you’re not needy and don’t ask too much of them is the driver here. You feel like accepting help from others is inconvenient for them and causes problems.
2. You fear rejection
Being turned away in the past makes you reluctant to ask again. You believe that you can’t rely on others to help you and are used to doing everything yourself.
3. You don’t want to owe someone
You dislike the feeling of being dependent on or needing to pay people back, even if they say they don’t want anything in return. Receiving help conflicts with your image of being an independent individual. Receiving generates a debt another person can collect at any time.
4. You are undeserving
You are uncomfortable with being the focus of attention and wonder why people want to help you. You only allow yourself to receive so much and not more.
5. You like to be in control
Receiving feels awkward to you. You’re more comfortable giving. Giving helps you feel like you have something to contribute. Honestly, if you acknowledge you’re needy, then you might even have to admit your problem is not under control and be forced to change.
Do you resonate with any of these beliefs? Why not take a moment to ask yourself why?
When I look at the list above, I admit some of my inability to receive is connected to not feeling worthy, not wanting to be an imposition or burden on people. Receiving is also convoluted with shame and pride, making a murky mixture. Skimming the murky bottom of motivation, I wonder if I feel superior and in charge when I give—and inferior and lacking control when I receive. This self-awareness is not happy, but it’s helpful for waking the sleeping potential of receiving.
Receiving has the potential of changing us into grace-filled people. When I was on my back after surgeries and treatments last year, I had no choice but to receive. An exoskeleton of support from family, friends, and acquaintances became visible overnight like an intricately woven web. My neighbors, Tony and Yvette, both hairdressers with enviable hair and joie de vivre kept making me delicious meals for weeks and months. I was, of course, blessed to be cared for, but I was also hesitant. Why? Task-oriented and nose-to-the-grindstone for years—no, for decades—I had embedded an overdeveloped work ethic that stunted my ability to receive for extended periods of time. Receiving created a debt I wanted to repay. Once I realized I was blessing Tony and Yvette by receiving their meals, something inside me shifted. I realized I needed people; I needed grace.
Learning to receive is a posture adjustment. It’s like seeing yourself in a store-front window reflecting hunched shoulders and bad posture that need correcting. You become aware of ways you cramp the reception of grace in your life.
The posture of receiving is a lifted hand, and a lifted hand is an open hand. Try lifting your hands and notice how they naturally open. How does it feel to close a lifted hand? It feels wrong, unnecessarily defensive. But this is our posture much of the time. Ultimately, the most important posture is the one we have toward God. Is it a hunched over posture with clenched fists? Or is it open and available? Is it proud or humble?
Receiving is grace and art in a world of transactions and austerity. It’s a dance partner in an Argentine tango in a sphere of military marches. It’s a gift to the giver who feels helpless to change a situation. It is solidarity with those who live on the edge and can do little to change their outcomes. Don’t settle for a transaction when the offer of love is extended.
Grace happens. Is your capacity to receive enlarging?
*The next post takes a deeper look at how to excel at receiving, so please stay tuned.